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Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma

It is time to lay the groundwork for healing after all of this unfolds.

When we are in situations that are tumultuous, unbearable or cannot be understood as we live through them, we have a number of instinctive coping strategies that we use to “get through.” It is human nature to wrest structure from chaos.

Instinctive [productive] strategies include:

  • Single Focus: the inability to manage more than one or two pieces of input
  • Dissociation: in which one’s mind removes one from the immediacy of the situation
  • Compartmentalization: in which one attends to those things one can attend to in the moment. Emotions are usually boxed away so logic, problem solving and action steps can be taken.
  • Intellectualization: in which one distances oneself from an onslaught of emotion or input by focusing only on detail, problem solving and crisis management.
  • Displacement: in which one redirects emotion and expresses it around something disconnected from the distressing event or moment.
  • Regression: in which one reverts to a previous coping strategy such as micromanaging [attempting to control others], becoming overly detail oriented or one becomes unable to take action.

Each of these coping styles is productive in a time of acute crisis and distress. In each of them, we instinctively create a buffer zone around emotion which stops us from being flooded with emotion and therefore we are more likely to be able to act. Please don’t worry if you find yourself distancing a bit emotionally when you face sacrifice or high impact situations. You’re managing. The key is not to maintain this coping strategy as a way of life.

When this time of trial is over, we will have opportunity to review events, experiences and those reactions we placed to the side so we could function. Review and understanding are the warp and woof of healing.

Most often we emerge from a time of trauma with Post Traumatic Resilience.

Post Traumatic Resilience is a newfound sense of strength and accomplishment: “I hope I never have to do that again but if I do, I’ll know how to do it.” Traumatic events, events out of our control [including those that unfold slowly so we see it coming toward us and those that happen without warning], are too big for us to integrate into our identity and personal story.

Post traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when an individual experiences something they are helpless to stop and are unable to make meaning from the events and outcome. The key is to revisit these moments after the tumult and actively attend to those things we could not attend to when situations were happening upon us. Those of us physically distancing and non-essential workers are faced with managing our coping strategies and fielding our emotional reactions in the moment. Those of us responding immediately to the unrelenting thrum of Covid-19 in hospitals and ICUs will need to attend to emotions when our work is done.

Our future self will have all of the information our current self does not have. We will be stunned by how well we did. We may second guess ourselves or blame ourselves for not knowing something or not being able to anticipate something. We can be cruel to ourselves after a time of survival. Take notes in this time of the circumstances you are operating in, the choice points you can see in this moment and of your thinking as you navigate. These notes can be written, voice memos, drawings, bullet point memos, testimonial scraps, etc. Speak to your future self; remind them of your current experience.

Below are some suggestions to implement now. Think of these strategies as a path to your Self as you do the work of living through this time as well as when you must do the psychological and spiritual work of creating post traumatic resilience. If the trauma you experience becomes disordered [PTSD] these foundational strategies can speed your healing.

Strategies for self care, emotion and thought management, and inoculation against distress:

  • Remember that you have spent a lifetime coming to this time and place. You have what you need internally and spiritually. If what you have does not feel like enough, trust in this learning process. There is no way to live through the time of Covid-19 without growing pains, losses and successes. Allow space for your humanity. You may surprise yourself.
  • Have a “Covid Buddy” or three to check in with on a regular basis.
  • Sometimes our trusted friends remind us of our humanity. If needed equipment isn’t available, one cannot save a life. Sometimes one cannot save a life even if equipment is available.
  • Use Touchstones: those items we can touch and see that remind us who we are and where we come from. This can be a literal stone, a rabbit foot, a spiritual symbol, a key, a ribbon, etc. Sometimes these touchstones give us psychological and spiritual space to be re-made in these unknown times.
  • Leave breadcrumbs for yourself: use voice memos, photos and notes to remind yourself of the chaos of this moment. Document this moment [day, hour], especially if you are starting a hospital shift or mid-shift and things are quiet for a moment. Include what you have and do not have, what you know and what you don’t know. Include what you left behind or grabbed in order to be in this moment. Document the chaos and limited sight of this time. Your future self will have all of the information you do not have today. Remind your future self of your current experience.
  • Pay attention to your inner narrator. What story line does your narrator feel most comfortable with? Does it prefer a downtrodden narrative or a hero narrative? All is lost or [some] all is found? If you note your inner narrator is telling your story with fear and distress, redirect and see what happens if you tell your story, realistically, from a more hopeful stance.
  • Ground yourself in breath, prayer, memory, [breadcrumbs], oaths and intentions. Firm footing is imperative in this time of swiftly changing phenomena.
  • Make a gratitude list on a regular basis. If you can, take a step further and appreciate one or two of the things you are grateful for. Allow yourself the luxury of resting in appreciation for a moment. [If you can’t create a gratitude list, you may be aiming too high. How grateful are you for flushable toilets?]
  • Remember that, if we cannot intervene or change a circumstance, we are left with being present, witnessing and partnering. When this is all we can offer, know that being Present to someone else’s experience is powerful. Do not underestimate the power of listening, praying, watching, attending and FaceTiming or Zooming with someone [today’s chosen equivalent of sitting beside someone].

Whatever you implement should give you some safe haven and structure. These strategies will also give you a way back to your center.

What strategies have you used in times of chaos and unpredictability?

How are you managing your thinking and your mood?

What do you appreciate these days?

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Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. [People] are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them. First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictitus

How are you?

In this remarkable time, we have agreed to a communal task. Each of us participating in social distancing are holding our part of the social net in an attempt to lessen the impact of Covid-19 on all of us. In doing so, we are choosing how we will participate in an event so incomprehensible we’ll have to wait and see how this all works out. We can’t stop Covid-19 yet but we can turn ourselves in a direction that lessens its impact.

In doing this, most of us stopped engaging in our day-to-day lives, in the usual way, overnight. For some of us, this is due to a swift arc into managing crises. For others this is due to communal agreement to quarantine. We all have pivoted in how we deliver our services. [For some of us, this means not delivering our services.] We are all adapting to the “new normal” as it changes on the regular.

We are all “fine.”

The word “fine,” used to report our current inner weather and our external stressors, suggests we’ve engaged in an internal cost/benefit chart. We quickly assessed our strengths, weaknesses, comforts, discomforts, stressors and points of rejuvenation then consider whether or not stating any of this out loud is worth what comes next. Often, we shut all of that down to the simple phrase: “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine: means: [Choose the ones that give voice to your inner calculations]

  • “Fine” is one of the ways we acknowledge that “we’re all in this together.”
  • I don’t have a fever or a dry cough……
  • I am not alone in this new normal; you are working as hard at this as I am.
  • I can manage.
  • I’ve figured out how to be in this situation so far.
  • I’m adapting.
  • I’m holding it together right now.
  • Everyone is in this situation so I shouldn’t say anything else.
  • I can’t put my experience into words.
  • I am not interested in talking about this with you.
  • Everyone else seems to have it together.
  • I can’t afford to look at or name my experience because I am afraid I will not recover from it.

Underneath “fine” are thoughts, losses, fears, hopes and relief. Be “fine” when it serves you. Attend, for a moment, to loss and fear and relief when it appears. Emotional stoicism serves us as we trudge through our daily tasks [or lack of daily tasks]. Intellectual stoicism, staying focused on our goals and intentions, serves to keep us internally balanced.

Are you tired? Makes sense. Pivoting, new ways of working, crisis driven work [crisis driven inaction] and stoicism are exhausting.

Self Care, right now, means: holding to a routine; accomplishing tasks [making your bed and brushing your teeth, holding a tele-meeting, writing that paper, triaging a patient with shortness of breath]; making space and attending to leaders who share knowledge and information you can use; staying clear of folks shouting that the sky is falling; napping; eating well; attending to those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost make themselves known; connecting with others.

Most importantly, share those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost with someone who can hear you and allow you that moment of awareness. Having the courage to not be “fine” and sharing one’s experience is an act of stoicism and bravery. It takes courage to face, for a moment or three, what you have lost, released or put on hold during this time of change.

Stoicism binds wounds. Stoicism is an act of courage. Stoicism is the willingness to see clearly and respond with direction and intent. Stoicism includes sharing, with a safe person, what is happening beneath your calm exterior. Allow yourself a moment or two to experience your gift/loss to the communal well being. Doing this is an act of refreshing the system, belonging with others and renewing the choice of engagement.

Hang in there. I know you’re fine. I also know you are not fine. Its okay to be both.

 

 

 

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Risk Curiosity

Much has happened in the past twelve months. Speculation, disbelief, fear and hope have been rampant. Perspectives have been challenged. Some perspectives have been validated; others are ragged, limp.

Loving on Life’s Terms often requires Curiosity.

Loving on Life’s Terms often asks us to hold our breath, being willing to Not Know and gently watch and wait to see what is unfolding.

Loving on Life’s Terms demands that we assess how we will live into that which we are co-creating.

The key, most times, is remembering that we are doing this [Loving, Living, Partnering] with someone else, with others.

This is a time in which we must allow ourselves to be curious, to ask questions and most importantly to hear each other. We cannot share creation if we do not hear each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms is risking asking questions and hearing the answers. It often asks us to risk stating our own truths.

Have you ever been afraid of a conversation, that you know you need to have?

Have you been surprised by how relieved you feel when you have the conversation, even if you don’t have a resolution? Have you been surprised by the peace that comes, even if there are no mutually agreed upon answers? Foundations, bare ground, seeing a truth about what is between us is a gift. We can make choices when we have that. We understand what we are doing with each other.

In 2017, let us all be curious. Let us all be willing to put aside what we think is true and listen to each other. Let us be willing to hear each other, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Risk this intimacy. Risk Curiosity.

[I Know You Can Do This.]

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Life’s Terms

My family is hopeful about a new beginning . We spent some time, at dinner, planning what we could plan and agreeing to surf the waves of this beginning as they occur. Smiling, fingers crossed, brows furrowed, hopeful.

A short time later, I walked through the Botanic Gardens, wet and steamy after rain showers. Sounds of Santana, playing at Ravinia just a few blocks away, wafted over the eastern gardens and tempted me to jive walk over the bridge and toward the water garden.

As I moved toward the greenhouses to see Spike, the Titan Arum, the mood of the garden was somber as if in mourning. We had all been waiting for weeks to smell Spike’s aroma as Spike’s spathe opened to invite pollinators. Word had just gone out a couple of hours before that Spike wouldn’t be “blooming,” and therefore aromatic, as expected. Disappointment was as palpable as Spike’s aroma had been purported to be. I walked through, curious and intent on attending to Spike as I had for weeks [Geek status revealed: sometimes twice a day], regardless of performance.

Moments later I walked past a wedding celebration: boisterous, effervescent, joyful! Glasses clinking, guests smiling and laughing; bride and groom captured in surprised joy that they were held closely by so many.

And on to the prairie, walking through long grass that whispered “shh, shh, shh” in response to cicadas and mosquitos. Soft contemplation as I walked alone attending to the vibrant life around me. Life that was not advertised and did not have an audience. Life that simply lived: busy, quiet, successful, strident, waning, passionate nonetheless.

A night full of examples of life’s terms. Predictably unpredictable. Life happening in so many ways for so many people all at the same time. Some Santana fans wet but unstoppable in their desire to hear the music while the artists were close at hand. [Others stayed home, unable to be there in the rain.] Garden Staff and visitors adapting to news that Spike would do what Spike does, not what folks thought Spike would do. Bride and groom, family and friends, celebrating joy in one of the most beautiful spots in the world. And the prairie: passionate in its vibrance, overlooked in its constant presence. And our new beginning, not here yet but so vibrant and visible in its preparation.

Loving on life’s terms is simple: love while Life does what it does. Life’s terms can be vibrant, boisterous, disappointing, solitary, overwhelming, fabulous, unpredictable, breathtaking, crushing, quiet, full of jazz fusion, Pharrell Williams and John Legend. And Change waiting to happen…

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Neighborly behavior

Like a Good Neighbor…
When we all emerged from our cozy homes the day after Snowmageddon we were faced with a parking lot filled with snowed in cars. Everyone was outside armed with shovels, brooms, and willingness to help. As we began to dig out, the snowplow arrived to help clear the lanes. We were laughing, dodging snowballs, using teamwork to get each other’s cars free, one by one.  Our strapping teen boys dug fast and hard.  Our playful middle schoolers climbed the biggest snow drift to shout out direction about things they could see from their 13 foot perch.  Little ones watched from windows with mugs of [warm] chocolate.  We all had work to do and understood that gathering together made that work much more manageable.

Except for one of us.  He was in his four wheel drive truck, frantically shifting gears from reverse to drive, rhythmically gunning his engine in an attempt to rock his truck out of its snow prison.  He was clearly panicked, needing to be mobile sooner than the rest of us.

At first, the group reaction was one of annoyance which turned quickly to concern for the kids running around.  Neighbors alternated between looking over at his distress and putting their heads down to complete the task before them.  His distress, however, was increasing.  After a couple of minutes, we began to trickle over toward him and explained that we would dig him out if he would be still for a little while and let us do that.  He slumped in his seat and let us get to work.  When his truck was free he drove away with great relief.

We knew he had survived genocide before he arrived in our townhouse complex.  Neighbors may or may not be reliable.  They may only think of themselves and their own safety.  He later told me that his panic that morning had everything to do with his sudden knowledge that, no matter how prepared he was [even with a large 4 wheel drive truck to help him escape just about anything], he still had to depend on the benevolence of his neighbors.  Digging out from Snowmageddon made him feel as vulnerable as he felt the moment he understood he would have to get himself and his family to the nearby mountains in order to survive the slaughter going on around him.  The difference, in 2010, is that neighbors advancing on him with shovels and brooms came to help him escape.

Hopefully, not every neighborly opportunity to help will feel as desperate as this one.  There are opportunities every day to let someone near you know you see them and are friendly.  I know a woman who makes several sandwiches each morning to pass out to homeless folk as she walks to work.  Offering your seat to a fellow commuter who seems tired is a gift.  A smile or a nod as you walk by.  These moments, so small, communicate community. Such a simple thing.  Such a necessary thing for all of us.

Loving on Life’s Terms: being available for small and big moments of connection and awareness of the needs of others.

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Falling in Love: Easy. Staying in Love?

In the most recent post “To Fall in Love,” I wrote about a pathway to falling in love. It includes asking and answering 36 questions with a partner, sitting face to face, then finding a quiet spot and looking into each others eyes for 4 minutes.

Key ingredients: A willing partner, willingness to Listen, willingness to Share, a quiet environment, sitting face to face, authenticity.

When you try this, are you going to fall in love?  It is easy to fall in love.  Harder to Stay in love.  Falling in love, within this context, is actually the decision to open oneself to receive another person.  Opening oneself to show one’s authentic self to another person.  The questions are designed to offer deepening authenticity; designed to offer opportunities to receive a level of truthful communication from another.  These things create the platform on which love and connection can thrive.

We humans crave attainment of a state and hope to live there as if we have scaled a vertical cliff and reached the mesa at the top.  Stasis, however, is not a viable option.  To stay in love requires effort.  It requires us to continue to risk with our partner.  To continue to be willing to be seen clearly, to risk being disappointed, to risk living in intimacy.  This can be a terrifying state of affairs…at the very least, exhausting.

My willingness to continue to ask questions, your willingness to live with my answers when I give them has everything to do with connection and attunement, those experiences that deepen love.  We humans often move in and out of states of awareness with each other and in our day to day worlds.

Loving on Life’s Terms is avoiding tuning out, finding that balance between connection with an Other while living life as it needs to be lived today.

 

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Oh Won’t You Stay With Me?

In “Attraction versus Résumé,” I mentioned that Nature has primed us for procreation.  We respond accordingly.  Nature hasn’t figured out, yet, that we humans have set expectations that we will live with each other, often monogamously for a lifetime.  Nature expects us, has pre-programmed us, to have lifelong connection whether we live together or not.

Hooking up, friends with benefits, one night stands, athletic sex, anonymous sex, fun sex.  Nature didn’t get the memo that we humans have figured out how to move sex into the recreational, non-consequential realm.  The advent of the Pill in the mid 1960s freed women and couples from the probability of unplanned pregnancies. Contraception options abound and therefore sex as recreation is abundant.

Nature made sure sex would feel good and, most report, it does!  Except for that unattached lost feeling folks have after the sex is over.  Sam Smith [“Stay With Me”] sings plaintively about what it means to lose the connection with another person after sharing bodies.

We are made to connect with each other.  Sharing bodies: touching, tasting, teasing skin to skin.  All of it serves to join us.

Remember:

When you connect sexually with someone, you create a history with that person.  Each kiss, touch, embrace builds that history.  Whether you tell yourself, intellectually, that it doesn’t matter or not your body knows it does.  The body remembers.  The heart yearns.

If this were an advertisement for beer I would carefully follow ethical code and tell you to remember to drink responsibly.  Since this is a blog about Loving on Life’s Terms, I will tell you to remember to have recreational sex responsibly.  When you enjoy another’s body, you create history with them.  This creates connection.  Connection, in Nature’s world, is what sex is about.

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