February 2014 - Melissa Perrin

Dana (not her real name) wept as she related her disappointment in her boyfriend. He knew Valentine’s Day meant a great deal to her and he knew she wanted him to do something special. Dana described in detail why this holiday mattered to her and the stock she put in celebrating it well. Then she detailed her disappointment in his performance:

He had disappointed her by taking her to a restaurant they had already been to several times.
He only bought champagne when she asked him why the wait staff hadn’t delivered it.
His gift was a necklace.
When he saw her disappointment he gently reminded her that finances were tight. He had just begun to work again after being laid off for 15 months; debts should be paid down.
He didn’t say he would exchange it for a better necklace.

She broke up with him, waiting to see what he might do to get her back.

Wondering if her wound was due to inequity, I asked: “How did you let him know he was special on Valentine’s Day?”

Dana’s response: “What do you mean?”

Our discussion began in earnest. Dana’s expectations were that she would be feted and acknowledged as the most important thing in her partner’s life and that this would be done on this special day. In her mind, this was a one-way holiday. All arrows pointing toward her.

It is human nature to test our partners. It is human nature to want “proof” that we are, indeed, the One our partner is committed to.

My question is this: Would we pass the test we set for our partners? Loving on Life’s terms means understanding that our partner has needs and concerns. It means understanding that our partner wants to know he is special too, that he matters for more than he can give [materially].

Things to consider:

When you assess whether or not you matter to your partner, ask yourself: does your partner matter to you? How do you let your partner know this?

Do you hold yourself to the same level of expectation you hold your partner to?

If you could observe yourself in relation to your partner, what message do you give most clearly?

We’ve all seen it: the cottage just over there. The one that has perfect landscaping, a gentle cobble stone walk leading to that welcoming door. We see the lights blazing; the interior must be warm, bright [but not fluorescent] and finely decorated. We just know that carpets are thick, linens are crisp, the refrigerator is full and something delicious and comfortably exotic is bubbling away on the stove. Surely the inhabitants are festive interesting happy people and we would be lucky to be invited in.

At the bottom of that cottage’s driveway and a bit down that meandering road, we see a warehouse. Its a big one. Not so pretty; bare bulbs light the space. The walls aren’t paneled and the floor is concrete. The space is large, cavernous, unfinished. But here’s the thing: everything necessary to make the space liveable, beautiful, wonderful is there. Ready to go. We just need to recognize things and put them where necessary to make Home.

Relationships are similar to the Cottage and the Warehouse. When we meet each other, we come with hopes and needs. Most folks want to move right into the cottage of light, manicured landscaping and promised softness. This is the equivalent of wanting our partner to be fully created with no more growth edges and everything fixed, all wounds and troublespots gone.

The gift of the Warehouse, the unfinished space, the unfinished partner, is the possibility of growing, of becoming, of co-creating. There are those who experience the finished, fully decorated cottage as stifling; changing themselves to fit the environment even when their natural tendencies don’t match.

Loving on Life’s terms means taking the unfinished person, the life being lived today [taking the risk of a splinter or two] and accepting the growth – the wonderful, messy, confusing, joyful growth – of those we walk beside.

It’s Break Up Season

Acme Warehouse of Reality

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