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acceptance, algorithm, attunement, Belonging, Covid-19

Mind the Gap = Mind the Algorithm

Loving on Life’s Terms today means working with how the world we live in is expressing itself and moving toward each other.

Algorithms are ostensibly in place so that our experiences can be tailor made for us and we can continue to be exposed to content and other people to our comfort. This works, to a point. We don’t leave our “comfort zone.” We see only like minded people, threads and posts. We are affirmed.

Algorithms isolate us. The Gap of understanding, love and tolerance widens. We are left behind. We are left alone. We are left frightened. We are left questioning. We are left gathering up those around us with similar algorithms.

Here’s a quick test: if you search on someone else’s phone, tablet, computer, watch, you will receive different options than the pages offered by your algorithm.

Note that your screen offers a specific set of podcasts, news items, posts and moderators than my screen does. Our algorithms are different.

Algorithms cannot change. They are programmed to continue to hone what you see, hear and feel in one direction and one path.

When speaking at conferences or in small groups, my favorite exercise is to ask folks to look at and tally how many pages of apps they have on their phones. Look into system preferences and note how many notification services they allow. Turn those off. Turn off the apps and the notifications. Notice how it feels to walk through the next 24 hours without easy access to those things. When 24 hours pass, choose wisely those apps and notifications you want to turn on again. [Note: if you can tolerate the discomfort, try this exercise for 48 hours or 96 hours. You can check in any time. Just make the conscious effort to seek the app or the items you are notified about.]

We live in a time of isolation. Walls have been built, effortlessly, by algorithms. Our isolation is exacerbated by sheltering in place, racism and other factors. We have lost the ability to tolerate our emotions when we hear another’s experience. Fear takes over.

In the next few weeks, I encourage you to thwart your algorithm.

Mind the Gap, thwart your algorithm, listen to others, manage your fear. Sometimes the next step forward is to stay in place for a breath or three and decide how to face forward with others. Even when we don’t agree. When we step away from our algorithms and note that others influenced by their algorithms too, we move toward each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms today means minding the gap, minding the algorithm and minding what we have in common.

October 16, 2020/by Melissa Perrin
https://melissaperrin.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Melissa-Perrin-Psychological-Training-and-Consultation-Services-Deep-Breath.jpg 1333 2000 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-10-16 08:28:562021-10-14 23:19:13Mind the Gap = Mind the Algorithm
acceptance, attunement, Covid-19, love, Post Traumatic Stress Resilience, Resilience

What was it like?

Welcome to the new normal. So much has happened in our world. What have you attended to? In “Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma” [April 2, 2020] I wrote about the psyche and how we human beings attend to distressing events and strategies used by the psyche to try to manage trauma and anxiety. That post also contains easy to use strategies to navigate, moment by moment, through unprecedented times.

Which ones did you try? What was helpful to you?

The year of 2020, so far, has been rich beyond measure with experiences and stories to tell. What have you learned about yourself? What breadcrumbs did you leave for yourself, what notes did you write about your experiences? I hope you see that you did the best you could, with what you had, with what you knew. If you don’t see that you did the best you could, how can you learn from that? The next time you shelter in place, work an essential job [or see unconscionable behavior] what will you do differently?

You are the Future Self to the you who read that post in April. You are the Future Self who has the knowledge of August 2020 and can look back at you with hindsight and assess what happened [or begin to put some parameters around what was going on]. What do you see? What have you already forgotten? What changed?

I know that there are many who risked and stayed present to the virus. I am awed by the truth that we need each other in order to live well. I am profoundly grateful to the medical community for their courage, knowledge and willingness to attend to the sick and use current and old knowledge to facilitate healing. I am awed by the courage of essential workers and those who kept the world operating. I know that I cannot imagine buying bread at the grocery again for a while. I know that seeing avocados in the produce section assured me the supply and distribution lines were alive and well despite the lack of toilet paper in the paper goods aisle. I know that some of the experiences I needed to heal from in my earlier years prepared me quite well for the work that needed to be done during this time. I appreciated my grandparents and their stories of living through the Great Depression with Hope. I used their strategies. I will continue to use their strategies. I am reminded of the power of community. I am reminded of the power of Voice and Body. I am reminded that we wither when we are not seen.

I cannot wait to see what historians make of this era.

I wonder how you answer some of the questions from “Settling In to the New Time and Space” [March 19, 2020]. Your answers, coupled with the epiphanies you allowed yourself during the last 6 months, offer you an opportunity to create your next chapter. No matter how unsteady or worried you feel, you have much of what you need to move forward. You know so much more about yourself and your circumstances. Choices appear when we have this knowledge.

What [who] did you leave behind in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What [Who] did you bring with you in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What did you learn?

What have you decided to bring with you into This Place and Time?

August 8, 2020/by Melissa Perrin
/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg 0 0 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-08-08 16:18:262021-10-14 22:24:44What was it like?
connection, Covid-19, love, Post Traumatic Stress Resilience, PTSD, Resilience, Self-care, Strategies, w, Wellness

Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma

It is time to lay the groundwork for healing after all of this unfolds.

When we are in situations that are tumultuous, unbearable or cannot be understood as we live through them, we have a number of instinctive coping strategies that we use to “get through.” It is human nature to wrest structure from chaos.

Instinctive [productive] strategies include:

  • Single Focus: the inability to manage more than one or two pieces of input
  • Dissociation: in which one’s mind removes one from the immediacy of the situation
  • Compartmentalization: in which one attends to those things one can attend to in the moment. Emotions are usually boxed away so logic, problem solving and action steps can be taken.
  • Intellectualization: in which one distances oneself from an onslaught of emotion or input by focusing only on detail, problem solving and crisis management.
  • Displacement: in which one redirects emotion and expresses it around something disconnected from the distressing event or moment.
  • Regression: in which one reverts to a previous coping strategy such as micromanaging [attempting to control others], becoming overly detail oriented or one becomes unable to take action.

Each of these coping styles is productive in a time of acute crisis and distress. In each of them, we instinctively create a buffer zone around emotion which stops us from being flooded with emotion and therefore we are more likely to be able to act. Please don’t worry if you find yourself distancing a bit emotionally when you face sacrifice or high impact situations. You’re managing. The key is not to maintain this coping strategy as a way of life.

When this time of trial is over, we will have opportunity to review events, experiences and those reactions we placed to the side so we could function. Review and understanding are the warp and woof of healing.

Most often we emerge from a time of trauma with Post Traumatic Resilience.

Post Traumatic Resilience is a newfound sense of strength and accomplishment: “I hope I never have to do that again but if I do, I’ll know how to do it.” Traumatic events, events out of our control [including those that unfold slowly so we see it coming toward us and those that happen without warning], are too big for us to integrate into our identity and personal story.

Post traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when an individual experiences something they are helpless to stop and are unable to make meaning from the events and outcome. The key is to revisit these moments after the tumult and actively attend to those things we could not attend to when situations were happening upon us. Those of us physically distancing and non-essential workers are faced with managing our coping strategies and fielding our emotional reactions in the moment. Those of us responding immediately to the unrelenting thrum of Covid-19 in hospitals and ICUs will need to attend to emotions when our work is done.

Our future self will have all of the information our current self does not have. We will be stunned by how well we did. We may second guess ourselves or blame ourselves for not knowing something or not being able to anticipate something. We can be cruel to ourselves after a time of survival. Take notes in this time of the circumstances you are operating in, the choice points you can see in this moment and of your thinking as you navigate. These notes can be written, voice memos, drawings, bullet point memos, testimonial scraps, etc. Speak to your future self; remind them of your current experience.

Below are some suggestions to implement now. Think of these strategies as a path to your Self as you do the work of living through this time as well as when you must do the psychological and spiritual work of creating post traumatic resilience. If the trauma you experience becomes disordered [PTSD] these foundational strategies can speed your healing.

Strategies for self care, emotion and thought management, and inoculation against distress:

  • Remember that you have spent a lifetime coming to this time and place. You have what you need internally and spiritually. If what you have does not feel like enough, trust in this learning process. There is no way to live through the time of Covid-19 without growing pains, losses and successes. Allow space for your humanity. You may surprise yourself.
  • Have a “Covid Buddy” or three to check in with on a regular basis.
  • Sometimes our trusted friends remind us of our humanity. If needed equipment isn’t available, one cannot save a life. Sometimes one cannot save a life even if equipment is available.
  • Use Touchstones: those items we can touch and see that remind us who we are and where we come from. This can be a literal stone, a rabbit foot, a spiritual symbol, a key, a ribbon, etc. Sometimes these touchstones give us psychological and spiritual space to be re-made in these unknown times.
  • Leave breadcrumbs for yourself: use voice memos, photos and notes to remind yourself of the chaos of this moment. Document this moment [day, hour], especially if you are starting a hospital shift or mid-shift and things are quiet for a moment. Include what you have and do not have, what you know and what you don’t know. Include what you left behind or grabbed in order to be in this moment. Document the chaos and limited sight of this time. Your future self will have all of the information you do not have today. Remind your future self of your current experience.
  • Pay attention to your inner narrator. What story line does your narrator feel most comfortable with? Does it prefer a downtrodden narrative or a hero narrative? All is lost or [some] all is found? If you note your inner narrator is telling your story with fear and distress, redirect and see what happens if you tell your story, realistically, from a more hopeful stance.
  • Ground yourself in breath, prayer, memory, [breadcrumbs], oaths and intentions. Firm footing is imperative in this time of swiftly changing phenomena.
  • Make a gratitude list on a regular basis. If you can, take a step further and appreciate one or two of the things you are grateful for. Allow yourself the luxury of resting in appreciation for a moment. [If you can’t create a gratitude list, you may be aiming too high. How grateful are you for flushable toilets?]
  • Remember that, if we cannot intervene or change a circumstance, we are left with being present, witnessing and partnering. When this is all we can offer, know that being Present to someone else’s experience is powerful. Do not underestimate the power of listening, praying, watching, attending and FaceTiming or Zooming with someone [today’s chosen equivalent of sitting beside someone].

Whatever you implement should give you some safe haven and structure. These strategies will also give you a way back to your center.

What strategies have you used in times of chaos and unpredictability?

How are you managing your thinking and your mood?

What do you appreciate these days?

April 2, 2020/by Melissa Perrin
/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg 0 0 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-04-02 19:10:452021-10-14 22:24:45Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma
Belonging, community, connection, Covid-19, love, Self-care, social distancing, Stoicism

Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. [People] are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them. First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictitus

How are you?

In this remarkable time, we have agreed to a communal task. Each of us participating in social distancing are holding our part of the social net in an attempt to lessen the impact of Covid-19 on all of us. In doing so, we are choosing how we will participate in an event so incomprehensible we’ll have to wait and see how this all works out. We can’t stop Covid-19 yet but we can turn ourselves in a direction that lessens its impact.

In doing this, most of us stopped engaging in our day-to-day lives, in the usual way, overnight. For some of us, this is due to a swift arc into managing crises. For others this is due to communal agreement to quarantine. We all have pivoted in how we deliver our services. [For some of us, this means not delivering our services.] We are all adapting to the “new normal” as it changes on the regular.

We are all “fine.”

The word “fine,” used to report our current inner weather and our external stressors, suggests we’ve engaged in an internal cost/benefit chart. We quickly assessed our strengths, weaknesses, comforts, discomforts, stressors and points of rejuvenation then consider whether or not stating any of this out loud is worth what comes next. Often, we shut all of that down to the simple phrase: “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine: means: [Choose the ones that give voice to your inner calculations]

  • “Fine” is one of the ways we acknowledge that “we’re all in this together.”
  • I don’t have a fever or a dry cough……
  • I am not alone in this new normal; you are working as hard at this as I am.
  • I can manage.
  • I’ve figured out how to be in this situation so far.
  • I’m adapting.
  • I’m holding it together right now.
  • Everyone is in this situation so I shouldn’t say anything else.
  • I can’t put my experience into words.
  • I am not interested in talking about this with you.
  • Everyone else seems to have it together.
  • I can’t afford to look at or name my experience because I am afraid I will not recover from it.

Underneath “fine” are thoughts, losses, fears, hopes and relief. Be “fine” when it serves you. Attend, for a moment, to loss and fear and relief when it appears. Emotional stoicism serves us as we trudge through our daily tasks [or lack of daily tasks]. Intellectual stoicism, staying focused on our goals and intentions, serves to keep us internally balanced.

Are you tired? Makes sense. Pivoting, new ways of working, crisis driven work [crisis driven inaction] and stoicism are exhausting.

Self Care, right now, means: holding to a routine; accomplishing tasks [making your bed and brushing your teeth, holding a tele-meeting, writing that paper, triaging a patient with shortness of breath]; making space and attending to leaders who share knowledge and information you can use; staying clear of folks shouting that the sky is falling; napping; eating well; attending to those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost make themselves known; connecting with others.

Most importantly, share those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost with someone who can hear you and allow you that moment of awareness. Having the courage to not be “fine” and sharing one’s experience is an act of stoicism and bravery. It takes courage to face, for a moment or three, what you have lost, released or put on hold during this time of change.

Stoicism binds wounds. Stoicism is an act of courage. Stoicism is the willingness to see clearly and respond with direction and intent. Stoicism includes sharing, with a safe person, what is happening beneath your calm exterior. Allow yourself a moment or two to experience your gift/loss to the communal well being. Doing this is an act of refreshing the system, belonging with others and renewing the choice of engagement.

Hang in there. I know you’re fine. I also know you are not fine. Its okay to be both.

 

 

 

March 31, 2020/1 Comment/by Melissa Perrin
/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg 0 0 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-03-31 17:57:252021-10-14 22:24:45Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

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