attunement Archives - Melissa Perrin

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acceptance, algorithm, attunement, Belonging, Covid-19

Mind the Gap = Mind the Algorithm

Loving on Life’s Terms today means working with how the world we live in is expressing itself and moving toward each other.

Algorithms are ostensibly in place so that our experiences can be tailor made for us and we can continue to be exposed to content and other people to our comfort. This works, to a point. We don’t leave our “comfort zone.” We see only like minded people, threads and posts. We are affirmed.

Algorithms isolate us. The Gap of understanding, love and tolerance widens. We are left behind. We are left alone. We are left frightened. We are left questioning. We are left gathering up those around us with similar algorithms.

Here’s a quick test: if you search on someone else’s phone, tablet, computer, watch, you will receive different options than the pages offered by your algorithm.

Note that your screen offers a specific set of podcasts, news items, posts and moderators than my screen does. Our algorithms are different.

Algorithms cannot change. They are programmed to continue to hone what you see, hear and feel in one direction and one path.

When speaking at conferences or in small groups, my favorite exercise is to ask folks to look at and tally how many pages of apps they have on their phones. Look into system preferences and note how many notification services they allow. Turn those off. Turn off the apps and the notifications. Notice how it feels to walk through the next 24 hours without easy access to those things. When 24 hours pass, choose wisely those apps and notifications you want to turn on again. [Note: if you can tolerate the discomfort, try this exercise for 48 hours or 96 hours. You can check in any time. Just make the conscious effort to seek the app or the items you are notified about.]

We live in a time of isolation. Walls have been built, effortlessly, by algorithms. Our isolation is exacerbated by sheltering in place, racism and other factors. We have lost the ability to tolerate our emotions when we hear another’s experience. Fear takes over.

In the next few weeks, I encourage you to thwart your algorithm.

Mind the Gap, thwart your algorithm, listen to others, manage your fear. Sometimes the next step forward is to stay in place for a breath or three and decide how to face forward with others. Even when we don’t agree. When we step away from our algorithms and note that others influenced by their algorithms too, we move toward each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms today means minding the gap, minding the algorithm and minding what we have in common.

October 16, 2020/by Melissa Perrin

acceptance, attunement, Covid-19, love, Post Traumatic Stress Resilience, Resilience

What was it like?

Welcome to the new normal. So much has happened in our world. What have you attended to? In “Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma” [April 2, 2020] I wrote about the psyche and how we human beings attend to distressing events and strategies used by the psyche to try to manage trauma and anxiety. That post also contains easy to use strategies to navigate, moment by moment, through unprecedented times.

Which ones did you try? What was helpful to you?

The year of 2020, so far, has been rich beyond measure with experiences and stories to tell. What have you learned about yourself? What breadcrumbs did you leave for yourself, what notes did you write about your experiences? I hope you see that you did the best you could, with what you had, with what you knew. If you don’t see that you did the best you could, how can you learn from that? The next time you shelter in place, work an essential job [or see unconscionable behavior] what will you do differently?

You are the Future Self to the you who read that post in April. You are the Future Self who has the knowledge of August 2020 and can look back at you with hindsight and assess what happened [or begin to put some parameters around what was going on]. What do you see? What have you already forgotten? What changed?

I know that there are many who risked and stayed present to the virus. I am awed by the truth that we need each other in order to live well. I am profoundly grateful to the medical community for their courage, knowledge and willingness to attend to the sick and use current and old knowledge to facilitate healing. I am awed by the courage of essential workers and those who kept the world operating. I know that I cannot imagine buying bread at the grocery again for a while. I know that seeing avocados in the produce section assured me the supply and distribution lines were alive and well despite the lack of toilet paper in the paper goods aisle. I know that some of the experiences I needed to heal from in my earlier years prepared me quite well for the work that needed to be done during this time. I appreciated my grandparents and their stories of living through the Great Depression with Hope. I used their strategies. I will continue to use their strategies. I am reminded of the power of community. I am reminded of the power of Voice and Body. I am reminded that we wither when we are not seen.

I cannot wait to see what historians make of this era.

I wonder how you answer some of the questions from “Settling In to the New Time and Space” [March 19, 2020]. Your answers, coupled with the epiphanies you allowed yourself during the last 6 months, offer you an opportunity to create your next chapter. No matter how unsteady or worried you feel, you have much of what you need to move forward. You know so much more about yourself and your circumstances. Choices appear when we have this knowledge.

What [who] did you leave behind in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What [Who] did you bring with you in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What did you learn?

What have you decided to bring with you into This Place and Time?

August 8, 2020/by Melissa Perrin

acceptance, attunement, Belonging, love

See, Hear, Touch

The most loving thing we can do for each other right now is see each other, in the fullness of our humanity: of our needs, mortality, limited vision, fear, capacity for love, support and generosity.

Welcome to August 2020 in which living with the spectre of Covid-19 has shifted from an overreaction to an acute issue; from an acute issue to a chronic issue. A time in which individuals hope to be of value enough to be given 6 feet of space, the courtesy of recognizing shared air and the respect of being there in person. For others, we see the fight to substantiate their wish to control chaos [and stop all of this before things cannot be returned to normal] by refusing to wear a mask over their mouth and their nose.

August 2020 in which living with the awareness of racism and how we treat each other [how we ignore each other, assume you are fine where you are, know you belong there, assume a narrative about each other] both silences us and gives us room to finally proclaim embodied truths, silent rages and full humanity.

August 2020 in which fingernails are barely there as we hang on financially. A time in which we discover the strength of the bumpers of our bowling lanes as we try to stay on course. What can I keep? How do I….? What must I do? Where will I go? How will I do this?

“Here is my story!” we think to ourselves. This is happening to me. This is what I hope I will do with it. This is what I cannot change. This is something that has lain within me for years and I didn’t understand it until this moment in time. This is where my power lies. This is how I am.

We have been shown our priorities: in a moment of choice, a moment of seeing, we suddenly know who we must be with, who we must part from, what must be kept and what must be shed. In an instant.

We have been reminded of our humanity: that death lurks nearby; that touch is essential; that we are cruel; that we are kind; that we must see each other and listen to our stories.

Loving on Life’s Terms means a number of things in this moment. Mostly, today, it means hearing the cries for help, the cries to be seen, the need to matter. It means listening to each other’s stories and asking: And then what happened? Followed by: What do you need? And finally: how can I help [even when my circumstances can’t assist]. This is a moment in time in which our embodied conversation is around the need to survive, the desire to live, and the power of quality of life. Loving on life terms is listening and thinking through how to live into the next chapter together.

August 4, 2020/1 Comment/by Melissa Perrin

attunement, connection, Curiosity, intimacy, love

Risk Curiosity

Much has happened in the past twelve months. Speculation, disbelief, fear and hope have been rampant. Perspectives have been challenged. Some perspectives have been validated; others are ragged, limp.

Loving on Life’s Terms often requires Curiosity.

Loving on Life’s Terms often asks us to hold our breath, being willing to Not Know and gently watch and wait to see what is unfolding.

Loving on Life’s Terms demands that we assess how we will live into that which we are co-creating.

The key, most times, is remembering that we are doing this [Loving, Living, Partnering] with someone else, with others.

This is a time in which we must allow ourselves to be curious, to ask questions and most importantly to hear each other. We cannot share creation if we do not hear each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms is risking asking questions and hearing the answers. It often asks us to risk stating our own truths.

Have you ever been afraid of a conversation, that you know you need to have?

Have you been surprised by how relieved you feel when you have the conversation, even if you don’t have a resolution? Have you been surprised by the peace that comes, even if there are no mutually agreed upon answers? Foundations, bare ground, seeing a truth about what is between us is a gift. We can make choices when we have that. We understand what we are doing with each other.

In 2017, let us all be curious. Let us all be willing to put aside what we think is true and listen to each other. Let us be willing to hear each other, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Risk this intimacy. Risk Curiosity.

[I Know You Can Do This.]

January 3, 2017/by Melissa Perrin

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