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acceptance, algorithm, attunement, Belonging, Covid-19

Mind the Gap = Mind the Algorithm

Loving on Life’s Terms today means working with how the world we live in is expressing itself and moving toward each other.

Algorithms are ostensibly in place so that our experiences can be tailor made for us and we can continue to be exposed to content and other people to our comfort. This works, to a point. We don’t leave our “comfort zone.” We see only like minded people, threads and posts. We are affirmed.

Algorithms isolate us. The Gap of understanding, love and tolerance widens. We are left behind. We are left alone. We are left frightened. We are left questioning. We are left gathering up those around us with similar algorithms.

Here’s a quick test: if you search on someone else’s phone, tablet, computer, watch, you will receive different options than the pages offered by your algorithm.

Note that your screen offers a specific set of podcasts, news items, posts and moderators than my screen does. Our algorithms are different.

Algorithms cannot change. They are programmed to continue to hone what you see, hear and feel in one direction and one path.

When speaking at conferences or in small groups, my favorite exercise is to ask folks to look at and tally how many pages of apps they have on their phones. Look into system preferences and note how many notification services they allow. Turn those off. Turn off the apps and the notifications. Notice how it feels to walk through the next 24 hours without easy access to those things. When 24 hours pass, choose wisely those apps and notifications you want to turn on again. [Note: if you can tolerate the discomfort, try this exercise for 48 hours or 96 hours. You can check in any time. Just make the conscious effort to seek the app or the items you are notified about.]

We live in a time of isolation. Walls have been built, effortlessly, by algorithms. Our isolation is exacerbated by sheltering in place, racism and other factors. We have lost the ability to tolerate our emotions when we hear another’s experience. Fear takes over.

In the next few weeks, I encourage you to thwart your algorithm.

Mind the Gap, thwart your algorithm, listen to others, manage your fear. Sometimes the next step forward is to stay in place for a breath or three and decide how to face forward with others. Even when we don’t agree. When we step away from our algorithms and note that others influenced by their algorithms too, we move toward each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms today means minding the gap, minding the algorithm and minding what we have in common.

October 16, 2020/by Melissa Perrin
https://melissaperrin.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Melissa-Perrin-Psychological-Training-and-Consultation-Services-Deep-Breath.jpg 1333 2000 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-10-16 08:28:562021-10-14 23:19:13Mind the Gap = Mind the Algorithm
acceptance, attunement, Belonging, love

See, Hear, Touch

The most loving thing we can do for each other right now is see each other, in the fullness of our humanity: of our needs, mortality, limited vision, fear, capacity for love, support and generosity.

Welcome to August 2020 in which living with the spectre of Covid-19 has shifted from  an overreaction to an acute issue; from an acute issue to a chronic issue. A time in which individuals hope to be of value enough to be given 6 feet of space, the courtesy of recognizing shared air and the respect of being there in person. For others, we see the fight to substantiate their wish to control chaos [and stop all of this before things cannot be returned to normal] by refusing to wear a mask over their mouth and their nose.

August 2020 in which living with the awareness of racism and how we treat each other [how we ignore each other, assume you are fine where you are, know you belong there, assume a narrative about each other] both silences us and gives us room to finally proclaim embodied truths, silent rages and full humanity.

August 2020 in which fingernails are barely there as we hang on financially. A time in which we discover the strength of the bumpers of our bowling lanes as we try to stay on course. What can I keep? How do I….? What must I do? Where will I go? How will I do this?

“Here is my story!” we think to ourselves. This is happening to me. This is what I hope I will do with it. This is what I cannot change. This is something that has lain within me for years and I didn’t understand it until this moment in time. This is where my power lies. This is how I am.

We have been shown our priorities: in a moment of choice, a moment of seeing, we suddenly know who we must be with, who we must part from, what must be kept and what must be shed. In an instant.

We have been reminded of our humanity: that death lurks nearby; that touch is essential; that we are cruel; that we are kind; that we must see each other and listen to our stories.

Loving on Life’s Terms means a number of things in this moment. Mostly, today, it means hearing the cries for help, the cries to be seen, the need to matter. It means listening to each other’s stories and asking: And then what happened? Followed by: What do you need? And finally: how can I help [even when my circumstances can’t assist]. This is a moment in time in which our embodied conversation is around the need to survive, the desire to live, and the power of quality of life.  Loving on life terms is listening and thinking through how to live into the next chapter together.

August 4, 2020/1 Comment/by Melissa Perrin
/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg 0 0 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-08-04 05:05:002021-10-14 22:24:45See, Hear, Touch
Belonging, community, connection, Covid-19, love, Self-care, social distancing, Stoicism

Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. [People] are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them. First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictitus

How are you?

In this remarkable time, we have agreed to a communal task. Each of us participating in social distancing are holding our part of the social net in an attempt to lessen the impact of Covid-19 on all of us. In doing so, we are choosing how we will participate in an event so incomprehensible we’ll have to wait and see how this all works out. We can’t stop Covid-19 yet but we can turn ourselves in a direction that lessens its impact.

In doing this, most of us stopped engaging in our day-to-day lives, in the usual way, overnight. For some of us, this is due to a swift arc into managing crises. For others this is due to communal agreement to quarantine. We all have pivoted in how we deliver our services. [For some of us, this means not delivering our services.] We are all adapting to the “new normal” as it changes on the regular.

We are all “fine.”

The word “fine,” used to report our current inner weather and our external stressors, suggests we’ve engaged in an internal cost/benefit chart. We quickly assessed our strengths, weaknesses, comforts, discomforts, stressors and points of rejuvenation then consider whether or not stating any of this out loud is worth what comes next. Often, we shut all of that down to the simple phrase: “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine: means: [Choose the ones that give voice to your inner calculations]

  • “Fine” is one of the ways we acknowledge that “we’re all in this together.”
  • I don’t have a fever or a dry cough……
  • I am not alone in this new normal; you are working as hard at this as I am.
  • I can manage.
  • I’ve figured out how to be in this situation so far.
  • I’m adapting.
  • I’m holding it together right now.
  • Everyone is in this situation so I shouldn’t say anything else.
  • I can’t put my experience into words.
  • I am not interested in talking about this with you.
  • Everyone else seems to have it together.
  • I can’t afford to look at or name my experience because I am afraid I will not recover from it.

Underneath “fine” are thoughts, losses, fears, hopes and relief. Be “fine” when it serves you. Attend, for a moment, to loss and fear and relief when it appears. Emotional stoicism serves us as we trudge through our daily tasks [or lack of daily tasks]. Intellectual stoicism, staying focused on our goals and intentions, serves to keep us internally balanced.

Are you tired? Makes sense. Pivoting, new ways of working, crisis driven work [crisis driven inaction] and stoicism are exhausting.

Self Care, right now, means: holding to a routine; accomplishing tasks [making your bed and brushing your teeth, holding a tele-meeting, writing that paper, triaging a patient with shortness of breath]; making space and attending to leaders who share knowledge and information you can use; staying clear of folks shouting that the sky is falling; napping; eating well; attending to those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost make themselves known; connecting with others.

Most importantly, share those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost with someone who can hear you and allow you that moment of awareness. Having the courage to not be “fine” and sharing one’s experience is an act of stoicism and bravery. It takes courage to face, for a moment or three, what you have lost, released or put on hold during this time of change.

Stoicism binds wounds. Stoicism is an act of courage. Stoicism is the willingness to see clearly and respond with direction and intent. Stoicism includes sharing, with a safe person, what is happening beneath your calm exterior. Allow yourself a moment or two to experience your gift/loss to the communal well being. Doing this is an act of refreshing the system, belonging with others and renewing the choice of engagement.

Hang in there. I know you’re fine. I also know you are not fine. Its okay to be both.

 

 

 

March 31, 2020/1 Comment/by Melissa Perrin
/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg 0 0 Melissa Perrin /wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Melissa-Perrin-logo.svg Melissa Perrin2020-03-31 17:57:252021-10-14 22:24:45Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

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