Clear water over rocks

2.19.20 Breadcrumb [Presence]

Six feet apart

sanitized masked breathing shallowly 

His words muzzled by three layers

muted in implicit silence

Tears shimmer 

gravity demanding they seek his jaw line

thwarted by the paper cloth draped across his cheeks

 

Mirroring neurons fire urgently: 

My bronchial tree is tight and vibrant 

Fearful Fire Burns Constricting

his powerlessness, 

Acute, sweeping like wildfire through my chest.

I consciously breathe for him to see it can be done.

Mirroring neurons fire urgently:

allow him to open his lungs 

 

wet mucus laden gulps heaves

for a moment

Acute implicitness

contained again with his second 

heaving breath

the moment of Surrender a moment of recognition.

 

Our shoulders loosen

Our breath eases.

We stand simultaneously. Stretch.

 

Same time next week Doc he says

I hand him a fresh mask wrapped in tissue paper

I release him to his work in the ICU 

I hold Hope 

Visceral Attunement

You Bet I say Stay in touch as needed I say.

We work. Essentially.

 

Sanitizing surfaces opening the window wider:

his car is parked below.

hands at ten and two clench as he allows himself the luxury of deep exhalations from the bottom of his lungs.

(He needn’t worry about infecting me)

Allowing fierce full draws of oxygen filling his lungs to bursting 

(He needn’t worry that a particle survived arctic air slipping through a window cracked, precious squirts of Lysol and the air purifier between us)

 

I can do no more for him today. 

Imagine asking God for that extra prayer shawl, the one hanging nearby, the one drenched with love and blessings, to wrap around his shoulders. 

 

I turn to check my messages 

tears shimmering 

Gravity demanding

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Fall Leaves

The Best Balm for Anxiety? Action

You are Not Alone. The suspense can be piercing as we wait to hear about one aspect of our collective future. Doom scrolling has switched from Covid watching to vote tallies and who will get enough electoral votes.

How to manage the anxiety? This is edge of the seat material! We can worry ourselves into health crises. We can scare ourselves into isolation. We can stroll so far into the “What IF’s” that we forget where we are now.

We can cool the worry by maintaining custody of our attention.

Pause and relocate your attention to the life you are living, the body you inhabit and all five of your senses. What delights you? What soothes? What is a trusty, reliable truth that you can rest in regularly? There’s your gratitude list.

Gratitude becomes a healing action when we lean into appreciation for those things we list. A list is a cognitive task: I am grateful for the changing leaves; I am grateful for WIFI; I am grateful I did not need to take my Covid puppy to the vet after she ate that mess.

Appreciation is when we see our gratitude list and choose to feel it: I am grateful for the changing leaves so I pause and look out the window and marvel, for a moment, at the clarity of color, the contrast between leaf and bark. Perhaps I go outside and revel in the color of the leaves, the smell of leaf piles, the crisp air and the blue sky. In my appreciation I take note of Life as it is expressing itself, fleetingly, in this moment. In my appreciation I am reminded that the world turns on its axis and the seasons present themselves. This time will pass and the next season will present itself. Before it does, however, the leaves on my Japanese Maple Tree are a glorious fire engine red. They’ll be that way for the next week or so.

Choosing to Appreciate those things I am grateful for, one item in a moment, eases worry and distress by reminding me that I am in my body, there is more happening out my window [on my street] than what is happening as my screen shouts “What If…?!?”

Be here, now, as this moment unfolds, free of the future and of the past. Simply Present.

Action is the best balm for anxiety. When we have been grateful, appreciative and present we are calmer and able to organize our thoughts. What to do? We are hoping that when the votes are counted and we know the tally that something will change. We will know a truth. In truth, we will know a tally. Change will be slow. It is clear that we do not agree on what should change or how directed change can come about. So we are left to worry, infer, predict and fear the outcome we predict.

Predicting a future based on inference, hope or fear makes worry and anxiety worse than being in the moment, knowing things feel dire, while appreciating what is in front of us.

Choosing an action and taking that action is balm for the worst worry or obsession. When we take an action we are choosing to participate in a way that gives us agency. As we wait for the tally to be announced, as we live through the battles over the next few weeks for legitimacy, as we wait for whatever happens next, there is still much to do that can drive a solution to the problems we see, experience and fear.

What to do?

If you found energy and relief writing postcards encouraging fellow citizens to vote, you can write letters to people who are lonely and isolated. Call a local assisted living facility and ask how to have a pen pal you can trade letters with. Write your niece, nephew or cousin a letter they can receive in the post.

If you are worried about people being laid off and struggling financially, there is much to do: there are diaper drives for families who can’t afford diapers, Food banks and pantries in need of food, there are shawls and blankets to crochet and supplies to donate to shelters. Use your screen to find links to your local donation groups.

If you are worried about Covid-19 and the impact on health care workers in your community there is much to do: donate Personal Protective Equipment, sign up to deliver lunch or dinner to a hospital or Covid Care Unit, offer dog walking, pet sitting and child care if you know a family well enough. Use your screen to find links to provide these things. If you can do things in person, Food Depositories need sorters, volunteers, delivery options.

Donate Blood. There is significant need. If you can donate, locate your local Blood Bank and make an appointment.

If you are worried about school and the impact of e-learning on children, there is much to do for a family and the children: offer tutoring, screen time working math homework or editing a paper, running spelling practice, reading a book. The gift of time and presence is priceless.Allowing time and space for a parent to [rest, work, run an errand, do housework] is priceless. Use your screen to support the children who are elearning and the parents who are muddling through. Can you partner with another family to ease the stress or responsibilities? Crowd sourcing may be an option.

If you are worried about the changes coming to your community because of the financial impact of Covid-19 restrictions or rioting from protests, use your screen to find how to donate to the businesses you like to visit. Restaurants and businesses that are not related to national chains are especially vulnerable. Can you assist in clean up or support of a business that has been impacted by protestors, Covid-19, supply chain or lost income?

If you are worried about lack of solidarity, wear a mask, greet the people you see, ask how folks are, continue to reach out and connect.

If you are worried, please let someone know. If you can let someone know what you need, even better. Perhaps someone can help.

Anxiety must be channeled.

Action is a balm for anxiety. What appeals? What seems possible? What will fit naturally into the life you are leading right now, in this moment?

Loving on Life’s Terms means seeing our worry, turning our attention to the present moment and doing the next right thing. Loving on Life’s Terms means continuing to participate with each other and remind each other we are not alone.

[P.S. When donating to a food pantry or food depository, money is golden. And if you are donating Food, remember to give food you would like to eat. I like to buy cans and dry foods that go into a recipe and package them together for drop off. For example: a shepherd’s pie uses cans of peas and corn with a box of mashed potatoes. All that’s needed is some ground meat and shredded cheese and there’s a delicious meal. Think of cans of vegetables and fruits. What would you like to have for lunch or dinner? There’s just so much macaroni and cheese one can eat. Be sure to check dates on the cans and boxes of food you plan to donate.]

Can you smell Fall? Hear the wind rustle the leaves?

 

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Person walking on Trail shot from knee down

Wading In…

So: How do you feel about leaving your house? About returning to work? How do you feel about having to find a job? How do you feel about the next few months? How do you feel when you see someone who is not wearing a mask? What about crowds? How big has your personal space bubble gotten?

Many of us feel a level of worry and discomfort. Some of us feel the physical frailty of acute grief. Those of us who have not yet been struck by the virus wonder when it will arrive. Many of us wonder how we will move forward from these unprecedented times. What will that look like?

Remember that Anxiety is our natural resting state. In the March 21, 2020 post “Managing Anxiety and Grief While Sheltering on Place” I wrote about strategies to manage these experiences. Remember that anxiety needs a path of expression.

Most importantly, remember that anxiety is an archaic cue to assess our surroundings for danger and to problem solve potential dangers should they appear on the savanna. Here we are, on the savanna, and we have been reminded that things are not fair, that we can make fabulous choices and still be in distress. Paralysis and Inertia come to visit. How to move forward?

The most important thing I can offer is do your work: assess what is needed and how you will attain it. Assess risk and plan accordingly. And Move Forward. Even if you take small steps, small actions, keep moving forward. Keep taking action that furthers your ability to get what you need whether that is a mask, a job, tools to accomplish the task. Small victories are victories.

Having made your risk assessment and decided that it “makes sense” to move forward, whether by plan or by emergency, Act.

Consider this:

  • Fear is a Liar
  • Doubt your Doubt
  • Flex the Serendipity Muscle

Fear is a Liar: Fear tells us to stay still. It tells us that we are not safe, should not risk, that bad things will happen. If you have assessed the risk and you feel fear, test the fear by talking with trusted people in your life. Let them know what you need, how you think you should move forward and what you fear. Make sure you talk with the realists in your life. Make especially sure that you steer clear of crystal ball gazers. The future hasn’t happened yet. Predictions, while comforting in their certainty, are not good foundations upon which to tread. Fear says do not move; Hope says take a step, just one, and let’s see where what happens.

Doubt your Doubt: Having made a decision to take an action, big or small, we venture out onto the rope bridge of risk. We will doubt ourselves, our vision and our reasoning. Are we surprised? A fact of being human is our inability to see what happens next. Doubt can be crushing. That said, doubt is simply a request to review the logic of the decisions you’ve made. How do you feel about your strategy? Did you get other perspectives by connecting with people whose vision seems trustworthy? When you review the information you have and how you are making choices, are do your choices still make sense? If yes, doubt your doubt and keep moving forward. If not, pause and reflect. Take in the data that suggests there is a better path. And take a step. Just one. Let’s see what happens.

Flex the Serendipity Muscle: Stay open. Look for opportunities. Make connections. Be curious. Allow for the possibility that the next right thing is minutes away. Advocate for yourself [be your best reference]. Be willing to see where you might fit in, what you might offer, where the possibilities are. Stay hopeful. Peek around corners. Take a step. Just one. Let’s see what happens.

Loving on Life’s Terms means staying flexible in our thinking, allowing for a future that is unwritten and has a place for us.

 

 

 

 

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What was it like?

Welcome to the new normal. So much has happened in our world. What have you attended to? In “Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma” [April 2, 2020] I wrote about the psyche and how we human beings attend to distressing events and strategies used by the psyche to try to manage trauma and anxiety. That post also contains easy to use strategies to navigate, moment by moment, through unprecedented times.

Which ones did you try? What was helpful to you?

The year of 2020, so far, has been rich beyond measure with experiences and stories to tell. What have you learned about yourself? What breadcrumbs did you leave for yourself, what notes did you write about your experiences? I hope you see that you did the best you could, with what you had, with what you knew. If you don’t see that you did the best you could, how can you learn from that? The next time you shelter in place, work an essential job [or see unconscionable behavior] what will you do differently?

You are the Future Self to the you who read that post in April. You are the Future Self who has the knowledge of August 2020 and can look back at you with hindsight and assess what happened [or begin to put some parameters around what was going on]. What do you see? What have you already forgotten? What changed?

I know that there are many who risked and stayed present to the virus. I am awed by the truth that we need each other in order to live well. I am profoundly grateful to the medical community for their courage, knowledge and willingness to attend to the sick and use current and old knowledge to facilitate healing. I am awed by the courage of essential workers and those who kept the world operating. I know that I cannot imagine buying bread at the grocery again for a while. I know that seeing avocados in the produce section assured me the supply and distribution lines were alive and well despite the lack of toilet paper in the paper goods aisle. I know that some of the experiences I needed to heal from in my earlier years prepared me quite well for the work that needed to be done during this time. I appreciated my grandparents and their stories of living through the Great Depression with Hope. I used their strategies. I will continue to use their strategies. I am reminded of the power of community. I am reminded of the power of Voice and Body. I am reminded that we wither when we are not seen.

I cannot wait to see what historians make of this era.

I wonder how you answer some of the questions from “Settling In to the New Time and Space” [March 19, 2020]. Your answers, coupled with the epiphanies you allowed yourself during the last 6 months, offer you an opportunity to create your next chapter. No matter how unsteady or worried you feel, you have much of what you need to move forward. You know so much more about yourself and your circumstances. Choices appear when we have this knowledge.

What [who] did you leave behind in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What [Who] did you bring with you in order to Shelter in Place in 2020?

What did you learn?

What have you decided to bring with you into This Place and Time?

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See, Hear, Touch

The most loving thing we can do for each other right now is see each other, in the fullness of our humanity: of our needs, mortality, limited vision, fear, capacity for love, support and generosity.

Welcome to August 2020 in which living with the spectre of Covid-19 has shifted from  an overreaction to an acute issue; from an acute issue to a chronic issue. A time in which individuals hope to be of value enough to be given 6 feet of space, the courtesy of recognizing shared air and the respect of being there in person. For others, we see the fight to substantiate their wish to control chaos [and stop all of this before things cannot be returned to normal] by refusing to wear a mask over their mouth and their nose.

August 2020 in which living with the awareness of racism and how we treat each other [how we ignore each other, assume you are fine where you are, know you belong there, assume a narrative about each other] both silences us and gives us room to finally proclaim embodied truths, silent rages and full humanity.

August 2020 in which fingernails are barely there as we hang on financially. A time in which we discover the strength of the bumpers of our bowling lanes as we try to stay on course. What can I keep? How do I….? What must I do? Where will I go? How will I do this?

“Here is my story!” we think to ourselves. This is happening to me. This is what I hope I will do with it. This is what I cannot change. This is something that has lain within me for years and I didn’t understand it until this moment in time. This is where my power lies. This is how I am.

We have been shown our priorities: in a moment of choice, a moment of seeing, we suddenly know who we must be with, who we must part from, what must be kept and what must be shed. In an instant.

We have been reminded of our humanity: that death lurks nearby; that touch is essential; that we are cruel; that we are kind; that we must see each other and listen to our stories.

Loving on Life’s Terms means a number of things in this moment. Mostly, today, it means hearing the cries for help, the cries to be seen, the need to matter. It means listening to each other’s stories and asking: And then what happened? Followed by: What do you need? And finally: how can I help [even when my circumstances can’t assist]. This is a moment in time in which our embodied conversation is around the need to survive, the desire to live, and the power of quality of life.  Loving on life terms is listening and thinking through how to live into the next chapter together.

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Tips to Manage Stress and Potential Trauma

It is time to lay the groundwork for healing after all of this unfolds.

When we are in situations that are tumultuous, unbearable or cannot be understood as we live through them, we have a number of instinctive coping strategies that we use to “get through.” It is human nature to wrest structure from chaos.

Instinctive [productive] strategies include:

  • Single Focus: the inability to manage more than one or two pieces of input
  • Dissociation: in which one’s mind removes one from the immediacy of the situation
  • Compartmentalization: in which one attends to those things one can attend to in the moment. Emotions are usually boxed away so logic, problem solving and action steps can be taken.
  • Intellectualization: in which one distances oneself from an onslaught of emotion or input by focusing only on detail, problem solving and crisis management.
  • Displacement: in which one redirects emotion and expresses it around something disconnected from the distressing event or moment.
  • Regression: in which one reverts to a previous coping strategy such as micromanaging [attempting to control others], becoming overly detail oriented or one becomes unable to take action.

Each of these coping styles is productive in a time of acute crisis and distress. In each of them, we instinctively create a buffer zone around emotion which stops us from being flooded with emotion and therefore we are more likely to be able to act. Please don’t worry if you find yourself distancing a bit emotionally when you face sacrifice or high impact situations. You’re managing. The key is not to maintain this coping strategy as a way of life.

When this time of trial is over, we will have opportunity to review events, experiences and those reactions we placed to the side so we could function. Review and understanding are the warp and woof of healing.

Most often we emerge from a time of trauma with Post Traumatic Resilience.

Post Traumatic Resilience is a newfound sense of strength and accomplishment: “I hope I never have to do that again but if I do, I’ll know how to do it.” Traumatic events, events out of our control [including those that unfold slowly so we see it coming toward us and those that happen without warning], are too big for us to integrate into our identity and personal story.

Post traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when an individual experiences something they are helpless to stop and are unable to make meaning from the events and outcome. The key is to revisit these moments after the tumult and actively attend to those things we could not attend to when situations were happening upon us. Those of us physically distancing and non-essential workers are faced with managing our coping strategies and fielding our emotional reactions in the moment. Those of us responding immediately to the unrelenting thrum of Covid-19 in hospitals and ICUs will need to attend to emotions when our work is done.

Our future self will have all of the information our current self does not have. We will be stunned by how well we did. We may second guess ourselves or blame ourselves for not knowing something or not being able to anticipate something. We can be cruel to ourselves after a time of survival. Take notes in this time of the circumstances you are operating in, the choice points you can see in this moment and of your thinking as you navigate. These notes can be written, voice memos, drawings, bullet point memos, testimonial scraps, etc. Speak to your future self; remind them of your current experience.

Below are some suggestions to implement now. Think of these strategies as a path to your Self as you do the work of living through this time as well as when you must do the psychological and spiritual work of creating post traumatic resilience. If the trauma you experience becomes disordered [PTSD] these foundational strategies can speed your healing.

Strategies for self care, emotion and thought management, and inoculation against distress:

  • Remember that you have spent a lifetime coming to this time and place. You have what you need internally and spiritually. If what you have does not feel like enough, trust in this learning process. There is no way to live through the time of Covid-19 without growing pains, losses and successes. Allow space for your humanity. You may surprise yourself.
  • Have a “Covid Buddy” or three to check in with on a regular basis.
  • Sometimes our trusted friends remind us of our humanity. If needed equipment isn’t available, one cannot save a life. Sometimes one cannot save a life even if equipment is available.
  • Use Touchstones: those items we can touch and see that remind us who we are and where we come from. This can be a literal stone, a rabbit foot, a spiritual symbol, a key, a ribbon, etc. Sometimes these touchstones give us psychological and spiritual space to be re-made in these unknown times.
  • Leave breadcrumbs for yourself: use voice memos, photos and notes to remind yourself of the chaos of this moment. Document this moment [day, hour], especially if you are starting a hospital shift or mid-shift and things are quiet for a moment. Include what you have and do not have, what you know and what you don’t know. Include what you left behind or grabbed in order to be in this moment. Document the chaos and limited sight of this time. Your future self will have all of the information you do not have today. Remind your future self of your current experience.
  • Pay attention to your inner narrator. What story line does your narrator feel most comfortable with? Does it prefer a downtrodden narrative or a hero narrative? All is lost or [some] all is found? If you note your inner narrator is telling your story with fear and distress, redirect and see what happens if you tell your story, realistically, from a more hopeful stance.
  • Ground yourself in breath, prayer, memory, [breadcrumbs], oaths and intentions. Firm footing is imperative in this time of swiftly changing phenomena.
  • Make a gratitude list on a regular basis. If you can, take a step further and appreciate one or two of the things you are grateful for. Allow yourself the luxury of resting in appreciation for a moment. [If you can’t create a gratitude list, you may be aiming too high. How grateful are you for flushable toilets?]
  • Remember that, if we cannot intervene or change a circumstance, we are left with being present, witnessing and partnering. When this is all we can offer, know that being Present to someone else’s experience is powerful. Do not underestimate the power of listening, praying, watching, attending and FaceTiming or Zooming with someone [today’s chosen equivalent of sitting beside someone].

Whatever you implement should give you some safe haven and structure. These strategies will also give you a way back to your center.

What strategies have you used in times of chaos and unpredictability?

How are you managing your thinking and your mood?

What do you appreciate these days?

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Stoicism in the time of Covid-19

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. [People] are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them. First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictitus

How are you?

In this remarkable time, we have agreed to a communal task. Each of us participating in social distancing are holding our part of the social net in an attempt to lessen the impact of Covid-19 on all of us. In doing so, we are choosing how we will participate in an event so incomprehensible we’ll have to wait and see how this all works out. We can’t stop Covid-19 yet but we can turn ourselves in a direction that lessens its impact.

In doing this, most of us stopped engaging in our day-to-day lives, in the usual way, overnight. For some of us, this is due to a swift arc into managing crises. For others this is due to communal agreement to quarantine. We all have pivoted in how we deliver our services. [For some of us, this means not delivering our services.] We are all adapting to the “new normal” as it changes on the regular.

We are all “fine.”

The word “fine,” used to report our current inner weather and our external stressors, suggests we’ve engaged in an internal cost/benefit chart. We quickly assessed our strengths, weaknesses, comforts, discomforts, stressors and points of rejuvenation then consider whether or not stating any of this out loud is worth what comes next. Often, we shut all of that down to the simple phrase: “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine: means: [Choose the ones that give voice to your inner calculations]

  • “Fine” is one of the ways we acknowledge that “we’re all in this together.”
  • I don’t have a fever or a dry cough……
  • I am not alone in this new normal; you are working as hard at this as I am.
  • I can manage.
  • I’ve figured out how to be in this situation so far.
  • I’m adapting.
  • I’m holding it together right now.
  • Everyone is in this situation so I shouldn’t say anything else.
  • I can’t put my experience into words.
  • I am not interested in talking about this with you.
  • Everyone else seems to have it together.
  • I can’t afford to look at or name my experience because I am afraid I will not recover from it.

Underneath “fine” are thoughts, losses, fears, hopes and relief. Be “fine” when it serves you. Attend, for a moment, to loss and fear and relief when it appears. Emotional stoicism serves us as we trudge through our daily tasks [or lack of daily tasks]. Intellectual stoicism, staying focused on our goals and intentions, serves to keep us internally balanced.

Are you tired? Makes sense. Pivoting, new ways of working, crisis driven work [crisis driven inaction] and stoicism are exhausting.

Self Care, right now, means: holding to a routine; accomplishing tasks [making your bed and brushing your teeth, holding a tele-meeting, writing that paper, triaging a patient with shortness of breath]; making space and attending to leaders who share knowledge and information you can use; staying clear of folks shouting that the sky is falling; napping; eating well; attending to those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost make themselves known; connecting with others.

Most importantly, share those moments when grief and the realization that something is lost with someone who can hear you and allow you that moment of awareness. Having the courage to not be “fine” and sharing one’s experience is an act of stoicism and bravery. It takes courage to face, for a moment or three, what you have lost, released or put on hold during this time of change.

Stoicism binds wounds. Stoicism is an act of courage. Stoicism is the willingness to see clearly and respond with direction and intent. Stoicism includes sharing, with a safe person, what is happening beneath your calm exterior. Allow yourself a moment or two to experience your gift/loss to the communal well being. Doing this is an act of refreshing the system, belonging with others and renewing the choice of engagement.

Hang in there. I know you’re fine. I also know you are not fine. Its okay to be both.

 

 

 

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Managing Anxiety and Grief While Sheltering in Place

We are in a time of communal grief and worry.
These are the suggestions I am offering to everyone in my care during this time of social fasting and self imposed retreat. I share them with you.
Anxiety:
Remember that anxiety is the natural human resting state. We notice it when our sympathetic nervous system, the part of our system that assesses and responds to threat, gets activated.
Our four primary response options tend to be:
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease
Fight looks like stocking up, refusing to stay in place, avoiding recommendations.
Flight looks like vacationing or insisting on one’s usual in-person routine. It also looks like hoarding masks, hand gel and toilet paper.
Freeze looks like avoidance. One refuses to take in information or minimizes the speaker/scientist/doctor. One is afraid to leave the house. One doesn’t know what to buy. One waits till tomorrow.
Appease looks like “doing everything right.” Which in itself can be paralyzing. It can also indicate a mindset that follow the thought that if I do everything “Right” nothing bad will happen to me [I must get everyone I love to do the right thing too so nothing bad will happen to them].
Anxiety needs a channel or a path of expression. We recover from anxiety best when we have action we can take such as:
  • Crying. Tears release toxins from our bodies. We are cleansed as we cry. Go ahead and cry.
  • Exercise: Walking, biking, treadmill, climbing stairs. These bi-pedal and bi-lateral movements allow both brain hemispheres to connect and work things out systemically. While it does this, neurochemicals are adapted to manage distress and still anxiety. EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing] is one of our best treatment strategies for PTSD. It accesses the power of bi-lateral brain hemisphere engagement. While walking/running/stairclimbing is not EMDR, it is bi-lateral stimulation for the brain. How many of our best spiritual leaders use[d] walking meditation?
  • Fresh Air is divine. If you can go outside, go outside. Breathe. Attend. Move.
  • Focused goal oriented activity: organizing papers, home offices, closets, shoes, sock drawers. Knitting, making dinner, showering, brushing teeth. When we have a goal oriented activity we know when we have finished and we know we have accomplished something, [Do not overdo. Overdoing is Fight/Flight.]
  • Stick to a schedule. Go to bed at a usual time and wake at a usual time. Dress. Make your bed. Brush/floss. Cook meals. Have daily connections with someone you love, trust, don’t mind talking to.
  • Storytelling: Personal narrative. These are exceptional times. What story is unfolding that you will tell your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren? Attend to these days as they unfold. Who are you today? What is known/unknown? What did you leave behind when you arrived at this place in time? What were you planning? What do you see in your [hazy] future? [Note: the answers may give you information about what you want to keep and what you want to give away. They may also point you in a direction that surprises you. The reset button has been pushed.]
  •  Grounding in a larger narrative: Where is God in this? What other times in the history of the world as we know it are similar to this one? How did our heroes and antiheroes manage their time in the Unprecedented? How do I participate in that larger picture while sheltering in place? While being an essential worker?
  • Eating for nourishment: certain foods trigger the release of neurochemical we all make and use naturally [serotonin] and this extra bump of serotonin helps ease anxiety. [Note: this is one of the reasons we all eat emotionally sometimes.] In this instance, I offer the data so that folks attune to how and what they are eating. Foods that have l-tryptophan [that then cues the brain to release serotonin]: our traditional thanksgiving meal such as turkey, sweet potatoes, cranberries, idaho potatoes, etc. Fish and warm milk also have l-tryptophan.
  • Trouble sleeping: try to stay away from melatonin supplements [unless your doctor has prescribed them due to an imbalance], alcohol or marijuana/CBD oils to aid sleep. Inability to sleep in an anxious time is simply the system’s method of handling danger [fight/flight]. We look for REM cycles when assessing insomnia or trouble sleeping. A REM cycle is between 2.5 and 4 hours long. In times of trouble, we might sleep for one REM cycle, wake and stay awake for an hour or two then return to sleep for another REM cycle. This is an archaic method of making sure the wolves don’t come close to the camp fire. Most of us will return to a “regular” sleep cycle when we settle in to the new normal, our new understanding of our world. [Note: if you are following doctors orders, please continue to follow the regimen prescribed by your doctor.]
Grief is ever present right now. We have all let go of something of importance to us such as community, in person worship, hugs, livelihood, people, places and things. Some of us are anticipating grief.
Some things to know:
  • Grief is the time it takes for our mind and spirit to cross that liminal space between “what was” and “what is.” The before/after moment is often just a moment in time. Our ability to cross that divide, that “moment” can take a bit.
  • Fresh grief, new grief can be sharp, attenuated, constricting. It can also make us feel befuddled, hazy, heavy, numb. This passes.
  • Sometimes we are afraid to let it pass and will try to keep the experience in place so we can remember, still feel connected to [someone or something], feel alive or feel numb.
  • We experience grief in waves: some days/hours are fine and others bowl us over with experience and memory.
  • Anxiety is very much a part of the grief process as our system remembers what has happened, fears what will happen, faces the hazy future. This is neurochemically driven. Our thoughts can exacerbate this experience. When we use reminders, prayers, mantras, touch stones, we shift our neurochemicals.
  • Grief is not depression although it can kick off a depression or exacerbate a depression.
  • Depression and depressive symptoms tend to be pervasive and do not let up.For example: persistent distress, unhappiness and anxiety is depression. Waves of distress, unhappiness and anxiety tends to be grief.
  • Use the strategies listed in managing anxiety as a response to grief.
Remember that an emotion lasts approximately 10-15 seconds unless we attach a story or narrative to it. We can get distracted by our narrative and dive deeply into an emotional state.
Prayers:
  • Prayers for Use by a Sick Person [in the morning; BOC page 461]: “This is another day, O Lord. I do not know what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.”   This prayer is useful for the sick person, the carer of the sick, the essential workers and for those of us who are sheltering in place.
  • Serenity prayer: whichever version one uses. This is a formula of next steps: I rely upon God. I take stock and assess what I can indeed have an impact on. I assess what I cannot change. I attend to those things I can attend to; those things I can impact.
  • Using the Serenity Prayer as a cognitive strategy to kick one out of rumination, fear and reactivity: replace the word “God” with the name of a golden calf [such as “Covid-19 grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”; “Purell, grant me the serenity…”; or “Charmin, grant me the serenity…”]. Most folk will be jarred by the naming of a something that is not God, to which they have turned their well being over to. This is funny at times. Most importantly,it is a playful [sometimes meaningful] way to remind us who we want to be praying to.
Take good care of yourself. Truly. Sleep, eat well/for nourishment, allow yourself to be restored. Pray. Meditate/Listen. Allow yourself to be wrapped in God’s prayer shawl. Monitor your energy. Try to have limited “office hours” in which you tend to others and your leadership duties. Speak kindly to your Self. If you are relieved to be home and on retreat, honor that experience. Stay on the job but allow for respite. That is what you need. If you are saddened to be home and on retreat, honor those losses and those things you are aware of. If you are scared, don’t worry. That’s normal.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest. Not everything will apply to everyone. Please share as helpful.
My best to all of you,
Melissa
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Settling in to this new Time and Space

Loving on Life’s Terms today means being apart. It means being in close quarters. It means showing up and taking care. It means staying home.

For some of us: Staying home. Personal quarantine. Virtual meetings. Go Fund Me donations to help those who make their living where people gather.

For some of us: Going to work. Tending others. Treating risking, hoping, doing, waiting.

We are unsettled as we begin to settle in to this new way of being with each other. 

I often participate in discernment weekends in which I am one of a small community who have dedicated time and attention discerning with an individual what their current and future paths might be. We do this by the individual’s request. We actively choose to step away from our lives to be in community with each other, holding the well being of the discerner in our focus. As the group settles in to the weekend, we sit in a circle and introduce ourselves with the simple declaration of what we left behind to participate in the weekend. People report that they leave behind a messy home, pets, family members, meetings, book clubs, children, spouses, worry, serenity…you get the picture.

I offer these queries to write, capture, mull, meditate on:

What did you leave behind to engage in this great act of love: staying home for the good of yourself and others? 

What can you see to lean in to? What is present to you right now?

Follow these questions where they lead you. Allow yourself to attend to your losses. Know that fear is quieted when we can acknowledge the losses. As we attend to those things we leave behind and those we are separated from we find that our feeling of being unsettled calms.

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Risk Curiosity

Much has happened in the past twelve months. Speculation, disbelief, fear and hope have been rampant. Perspectives have been challenged. Some perspectives have been validated; others are ragged, limp.

Loving on Life’s Terms often requires Curiosity.

Loving on Life’s Terms often asks us to hold our breath, being willing to Not Know and gently watch and wait to see what is unfolding.

Loving on Life’s Terms demands that we assess how we will live into that which we are co-creating.

The key, most times, is remembering that we are doing this [Loving, Living, Partnering] with someone else, with others.

This is a time in which we must allow ourselves to be curious, to ask questions and most importantly to hear each other. We cannot share creation if we do not hear each other.

Loving on Life’s Terms is risking asking questions and hearing the answers. It often asks us to risk stating our own truths.

Have you ever been afraid of a conversation, that you know you need to have?

Have you been surprised by how relieved you feel when you have the conversation, even if you don’t have a resolution? Have you been surprised by the peace that comes, even if there are no mutually agreed upon answers? Foundations, bare ground, seeing a truth about what is between us is a gift. We can make choices when we have that. We understand what we are doing with each other.

In 2017, let us all be curious. Let us all be willing to put aside what we think is true and listen to each other. Let us be willing to hear each other, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Risk this intimacy. Risk Curiosity.

[I Know You Can Do This.]

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