My friend was beginning to think about dating after his divorce. Well, in truth, he wasn’t necessarily ready to Date. It seemed that everyone in his circle was ready for him to date. His dating life, or lack thereof, was a hot topic. I signed on as his wing woman, ready to help him navigate, offer sage advice from my own dating experience and give him support as he took risks.
What was my most important piece of sage wisdom? Easy:
There is Attraction and then there is Résumé.
Nature wins, every time. We understand that our primary function is to procreate and make more humans. Nature decrees it and we follow it. For this reason, we see a suitable sexual partner and respond accordingly to that hot guy or sexy woman. We are made to attract and to be enticed.
What Nature didn’t take into account is our propensity to share lives with each other, or try to.
This is where résumé comes in. That potential lover looks and feels So Good. We sign on for some enjoyment hoping that enjoyment will build into something we can rely on. But what is the résumé? What is this sexy creature’s history with lovers and partners?
If we agree that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, the way our Sexy Creature has treated his or her lovers in the past has everything to do with what we can expect in our future.
Questions to attend to:
- What story does she tell you about previous relationships? Both beginnings and endings?
- What relationship patterns does he describe? Understand?
- Does she blame his or her partners for most of the relationship health or pain?
- What about current relationships? Does he have healthy friendships? Family relationships?
- Does she expect certain things in friendship but forego those same expectations with lovers?
What does your résumé look like? What do you bring to relationships? What are your strengths? Growth edges?